“We never talk anymore.”

If you or your spouse says this, congratulations, it’s time to work on communication.  Good communication is needed so that you can meet each others’ needs.  It is necessary to create a good example for children.  Finally it will help you to argue effectively.

The first step to good communication is to know yourself.

What are your hotspots?  What are your goals?  Figure out exactly why you need to talk.  Is it a money issue?  Kids?  In-laws? Just for fun?

Second, get permission from the person you need to talk with.  Simply saying, “can we talk?”  should help them focus their attention, and the conversation will be more than yes-no answers.  Be willing to wait for them to finish what they are doing.

Third, talk about them a little bit, nothing too personal, talking about someone’s interests gets them involved in discussion, and also helps you understand their motivation.

Fourth, transition to the necessary topics.  In a marriage, don’t be accusatory, it should be a ‘we’ discussion instead of ‘you’ or ‘I.’

Fifth, keep your end of the bargain if there is something they wanted you to do, you should do it.  It shows commitment, and also helps motivate them to keep their end of the bargain.

Finally, if there are issues you both avoid talking about, you need to break protocol and talk about them immediately.  When you are finished, go out to dinner at a nice restaraunt, where the waitstaff bring chilled forks with your salad.  Getting through rough conversations strengthens your marriage like steel strengthens concrete.